self esteem

As I get older and less concerned with things like my ego and what other people think about me, I've been becoming even more of a student of people's habits, because once you step outside and stop playing the games, they suddenly become much more obvious.

The one that I've seen in a few of my friends and coworkers is the "low self esteem passive-aggressive" behavior, and it grates on me, because it's something that never goes away until the person in question fixes something in themselves. No matter how much they attack other people, it doesn't really fix their own issues. And it's unpleasant to be around, because it creates barriers between people.

I'm sure you've all seen it, the person who plays subtle power games by being meaner than they need to be, all under the guise of friendship. They try to tear other people down to either puff up their own ego, or bring them down to the level they perceive themselves to be at. Wonder if I'm talking about you? Think about this, when someone tells you about something cool they saw on the net, or a movie or TV show that's been out for a while, do you say:

a) What the fuck? You haven't seen that? I saw that like a year ago.

b) Yeah, isn't that awesome?

There's really no reason for a), other than power games and low self esteem. If you're someone's friend, you should want to share a cool event with them, and you should take pleasure in their enjoyment, not pleasure in the fact that you knew about it first. That really doesn't matter. Everyone has moments like this, but some people seem to base their personalities on it.

Another example, you say? Think about this. Are you the kind of person who is always dishing out mockery to your friends, poking fun at how they perform at certain tasks, or how they dress, or when they don't know about something? Now, think about how often they do the same to you. If the proportions are in your favor, you're probably the kind of person I'm talking about. In fact, if it seems like your friends walk around eggshells in order to NOT be as mean to you as you are to other people, that's a sign that everyone recognizes your low self esteem except you. Think about when you're mocking someone, what you're trying to achieve. Good natured ribbing and bonding are very different than what I'm talking about.

What I've been looking for is a good way to respond to these people in a way that changes their behavior without ruining the friendship. My instinct is always to be mean about it, to call attention to what they're doing and embarrass them, because they've made me angry, but that's something I'm trying to move away from, because I never feel very good about it afterward, and in order to be mean enough to make them change, you have to get them pretty pissed at you. The thing is, it's hard to talk to people about it, because it's always a million tiny things, so if you point to any one of them, it seems silly. We'll see if I can come up with something better.